I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
