I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
