sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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