you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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