i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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