I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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