i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
