Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize