theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
