I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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