Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just want nice things and good sex
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
