someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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