If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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