How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
