I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
