I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dick very happy bro
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
