My room smells like vodka and shame
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
