i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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