Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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