kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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