My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
