i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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