Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
