Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
