i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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