It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
