he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
