I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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