The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
