Soap is not a condiment
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize