Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
