i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
