so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
