you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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