Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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