my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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