it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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