I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
