he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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