someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
