Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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