she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I deserve this hangover.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
