gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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