This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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