why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
