just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
