In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
