What a fucking waste of an outfit
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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