Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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