Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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