dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
