I am spending my child support on dildos
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
