you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
