Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
