I accidentally burped into my bong.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
