My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
