She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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