I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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