Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
