If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
